Ten Years Today

Ten goddamn years of constant preschooler-like nerve endings demanding attention, pinching & punching me when I shrug helplessly, "I don't know what you want!"

Ten years of carefully planning each venture out because just shopping a string of four outlet stores in one day means being unable to move without doing the old-lady shuffle the next day, and the next day, and the day after that.

Ten years of feeling like a complete fuckup because I'm not pursuing a proper career, unable even to hold a full-time job, not only because of the pain but more because of the brutal, crushing fatigue, in spite of sleeping on average 11 hours a day and up to 17 some days. And it was days — sleep inversion happened almost automatically, no matter how often I struggled to get back to a proper awake during the day/asleep at night pattern.

Difficult to have a social life under these conditions: "Hi, how are you?" "In extreme agony, thanks." "Oh. Yes. Well. What are you doing?" "Uhh...Sleeping, mostly. And you?"

Not much has changed since this time last year, except that life has blessed me with constant vertigo as well. Sometimes I really hate meatspace.

I think the "how my life is improving" part of this post will have to wait for another time.